Nightime Noir or The Turnip's Turnover

Failure can do funny things to a man.

Graham "The Turnip" wasn't always a down on his luck P.I. - he used to manage the famous England football team... but times change and so must a man....

"Turnip", came a cry over Graham's car's P.A. It was Graham the P.I's boss.

"Do I not like that," muttered the man known as Turnip under his whisky sodden breath.

"The Dame's suit maker is nearby you. You know the guy, always puts appendages on the backsides of women's suits whilst they're wearing them, always makes a point of ordering his underlings to do it"

"I know the one, chief" grimaced the Turnip. They'd had dealings.

"Well, when you see him I want you to follow him," the chief ordered.

"I don't follow you boss...", Turnip started but the Chief interjected angrily.

"Taylor! Tail 'er "Tail 'er" Taylor"

Bear With Me On This One

Yogi Bear's sidekick has died and has taken up a job as a ghost from the Mario Series who are, as we all know, a notoriously fickle bunch.

The ghosts have been invited round for an ultra rare drinking session at Mr Radley's house. You may remember Mr Radley from his appearance in Harper Lee's classics "To Kill a Mocking Bird" and it's little read sequel "To Kill a Mocking Bird 2: Electric Boogaloo".

Mr Radley serves the ghosts an alcoholic beverage he has brewed for "Cuts, scrapes, bruises and owies". Yogi's now former partner is displeased.

Boo-Boo Boo Boos Boo's Boo-Boo Booze

A Tale of Two Tonys‏

Courtesy of Asa Roast

Times are hard for everybody – but particularly light entertainers. Have you heard about Tony? You know, the whimsical comedian who wrote ‘Round Ireland With a Fridge’ and was a regular on ‘Just a Minute’ for some time? Well, he is whimsical no more. He’s had a tough time of it since the recession hit, so much so that he’s become radicalised. Now he’s started his own right-wing pro-war political party. Scary! As you can imagine, his bookings have really dried up since his routines now consist of impassioned rants against the so-called Axis of Evil. To finance his party he’s had to start selling birds of prey, which he procures through an old friend of his – a world renowned skateboarder who happens to be named Tony too. He doesn’t even have a permit to sell the birds, so he just sets up an informal stall on the pavement and pressures people passing by into purchasing his black market avians. To summarise:

Hawk Hawks hawks Hawk’s hawks.

Ridicule Is Not The Same As Hamhocks

Courtesy of Stephen Clatworthy

One afternoon, feeling peckish, a famous ex pop star (with confidence and a regional accent) takes in some sliced porcine meat and a traditional hot leafy drink.

adamant adam ant 'ad 'am an' t

Johnny's Maddening Mum

Johnny, the guitarist from the Smiths (who often moonlights with the Pretenders, Talking Heads, Modest Mouse, The Cribs, Electronic, The Healers, The The and ummmm that's all I can think of) mother is a lunatic from the red planet.

The reason his mum's head's in the clouds is that she spends all her time defacing nougaty choclate. yup,

Marr's Mars' Ma Marrs Mars