Sharon, MENSA member and film star extraordinaire, is a menace. She’s fresh from co-starring in Basic Instinct 2 with Stan Collymore and now has nefarious plans that must be thwarted.
We believe that Sharon has made a statue, a golem if you will, of the purest evil and it must be stopped! Our sources tell us it’s one weak spot is it’s testicles. As it’s cojones are made of rock they can’t be killed by conventional means…. Odd as it sounds your going to have to get those down below boulders high - preferably with a doobie.
Your mission therefore:
Stone Stone’s stone stones
Friday 23 April 2010
Thursday 22 April 2010
James's One Man War On Druckqs
James, posh pop minstrel, former army officer, handsome devil, co-writer and singer of the quite frankly gorgeous gem “You’re Beautiful” is an outspoken fellow. He calls a spade a spayed and tells it like it is.
Recently, James had been on a massive anti drugs kick.His life is pure after all.
He’s taking direct action in the war on drugs and his first step is to stop people smoking hollowed out cigars filled with cannabis. He hates them! Every time he sees one he stubs it out.
In fact
Blunt Blunt blunts blunts
Recently, James had been on a massive anti drugs kick.His life is pure after all.
He’s taking direct action in the war on drugs and his first step is to stop people smoking hollowed out cigars filled with cannabis. He hates them! Every time he sees one he stubs it out.
In fact
Blunt Blunt blunts blunts
Wednesday 21 April 2010
I Love The Ends Of My Legs
The ends of my legs are the best! They really are the greatest. I think they're waaaaaaaaay better than my hands.
I'll tell you why....
There's these creatures that pull things along for a distance of 12 inches at a time. You might have heard of them… in fact they're named after this fact.
Anyway, the ends of my legs help out the developing stage of these creatures, you know, before the creatures are born. The ends of my legs will do things that go above and beyond the call of duty in the most impressive way for every single one of these pre-born 30cm dragging beauties.
So my
Feet'll feat all foetal feet-hawl
I'll tell you why....
There's these creatures that pull things along for a distance of 12 inches at a time. You might have heard of them… in fact they're named after this fact.
Anyway, the ends of my legs help out the developing stage of these creatures, you know, before the creatures are born. The ends of my legs will do things that go above and beyond the call of duty in the most impressive way for every single one of these pre-born 30cm dragging beauties.
So my
Feet'll feat all foetal feet-hawl
Tuesday 20 April 2010
I Was Blind And Then A WIzard Came
I have been blind for many years now.
I am an old man now but when I was but 15 years of age a friend of mine accidently shot me in the face with a paintball gun. Since that moment I have not been able to gaze at the sky, appreciate the colours of nature... and I have never known the faces of my loved ones.
Recently, on my travels, I met a wizard. He told me he could restore my vision, but we would have to go to a bizzarre place.
I agreed and I heard what sounded like a whoosh of a cape. He told me we had arrived.
He spoke to me
"When I touch your forehead you will look upon a frozen ocean made of ocular organs, each organ having the 9th and 3rd letter of the alphabet written upon it.
He pressed my forehead and I cried out,
"I see icy I C eye sea"
Monday 19 April 2010
My Beautiful Beach
It's gotten really hot recently. I know I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but listen.
I own a little beach which is famed for having a lot of cresting water formations in the sea next to it. Now, as it's gotten so hot recently, I've started charging a lot for the privilege of cooling off at my lovely lil’ beach...
So anyways, I'm going away for a while and I need you to collect money from all the people, things, abstract concepts and ideas swimming around in the water.
All of them APART the 2008 German film directed by Dennis Ganselr which is splashing about in the sea during this spell of very warm weather. When it gets out don't make it pay, it's a good pal of mine. You'll recognise it because it'll be moving its hand from side to side to side to side.
You understand me?
I'll tell you again:
Waive wave-wave-wave Wave
I own a little beach which is famed for having a lot of cresting water formations in the sea next to it. Now, as it's gotten so hot recently, I've started charging a lot for the privilege of cooling off at my lovely lil’ beach...
So anyways, I'm going away for a while and I need you to collect money from all the people, things, abstract concepts and ideas swimming around in the water.
All of them APART the 2008 German film directed by Dennis Ganselr which is splashing about in the sea during this spell of very warm weather. When it gets out don't make it pay, it's a good pal of mine. You'll recognise it because it'll be moving its hand from side to side to side to side.
You understand me?
I'll tell you again:
Waive wave-wave-wave Wave
Friday 16 April 2010
My Wanderings With A River
With thanks to Stephen Clatworthy...
Now hear ye all.
I was walking one day with my grand companion - you may know him as the river that runs through Leicester - when we chanced upon a boat propulsion device made from frozen water. It was thing that was once impressive to behold and thing of garish ugliness.
The river turned to me and asked me if I had seen the frozen thing with my ocular area and was I suitably impressed?
With great vigor I replied:
Aye Soar, Eyes Awe! I saw eye sore ice oar.
Now hear ye all.
I was walking one day with my grand companion - you may know him as the river that runs through Leicester - when we chanced upon a boat propulsion device made from frozen water. It was thing that was once impressive to behold and thing of garish ugliness.
The river turned to me and asked me if I had seen the frozen thing with my ocular area and was I suitably impressed?
With great vigor I replied:
Aye Soar, Eyes Awe! I saw eye sore ice oar.
Thursday 15 April 2010
Regarding A Ref's Red Card
Graham, the Premiership referee has just finished referee-ing USA vs Italy. His face is red as he’s just given 3 yellow cards… to the same player!
He’s distraught.
You want to make him feel better. You need some advice… but who can help?
You know!
Graham has two sticks of Polish extraction that know him better than anyone else. One lives at the very northern tip of the earth, one lives at the very southern.
You prepare for your journey. You’re getting ready to
Poll Pole’s Pole-Pole Poles
He’s distraught.
You want to make him feel better. You need some advice… but who can help?
You know!
Graham has two sticks of Polish extraction that know him better than anyone else. One lives at the very northern tip of the earth, one lives at the very southern.
You prepare for your journey. You’re getting ready to
Poll Pole’s Pole-Pole Poles
Wednesday 14 April 2010
Charlie Brown's Post Peanuts Depression
Snoopy has become a jealous, jealous dog since Peanuts has ended. Who can blame him? It’s been hard on us all.
Charlie Brown comes up to you
*sigh*
He grimaces and explains his predicament.
He's become friends with some chickens recently. He refers to them as his friends using a northern vernacular term. You’ve picked up some funny habits, Charlie Brown!
Anyway, because of Snoopy’s jealousy he needs you to get rid of him for him.
Chuck Chuck’s chook chucks
Charlie Brown comes up to you
*sigh*
He grimaces and explains his predicament.
He's become friends with some chickens recently. He refers to them as his friends using a northern vernacular term. You’ve picked up some funny habits, Charlie Brown!
Anyway, because of Snoopy’s jealousy he needs you to get rid of him for him.
Chuck Chuck’s chook chucks
Tuesday 13 April 2010
John Candy's 2 Peculiarities
The year is 1989 and you are a researcher on the David Letterman show. John Candy is the world’s biggest movie star after his mega success playing the titular role in a John Hughes comedy as Macaulay Culkin’s uncle. The film’s a hoot!
Now, John Candy has become a little peculiar for two reasons:
Firstly; Mr Candy is a method actor and he hasn’t got out of character yet. He will only be referred to by his character's name. He’s serious about his craft!
Secondly: As a budding inventor Mr Candy has written a novel about male deer with a twist; The twist is that the novel literally talks like a chicken. AND he’s selling it for just one dollar.
Now David wants you to get this tome on the show.
Well you think he does.
He’s just barked at you
“Book Buck’s buck-buck buck buck book”
Now, John Candy has become a little peculiar for two reasons:
Firstly; Mr Candy is a method actor and he hasn’t got out of character yet. He will only be referred to by his character's name. He’s serious about his craft!
Secondly: As a budding inventor Mr Candy has written a novel about male deer with a twist; The twist is that the novel literally talks like a chicken. AND he’s selling it for just one dollar.
Now David wants you to get this tome on the show.
Well you think he does.
He’s just barked at you
“Book Buck’s buck-buck buck buck book”
Monday 12 April 2010
Tang Train Tussles
You are sitting next to a man on the train. He’s got one of those head set talky thingys on. It’s on the other side of his head to you so you initially think he’s talking to you. You almost respond but stop yourself when you realise. Phew!
You listen in…
“Yeah I’ve just been hanging out with the Wu Tang Clan in Shaolin… uh huh yeah it’s not the same since ODB passed on…
“So any way I’m talking to the Inspectah and he’s got a problem. He’s got this djing equipment that he uses on the top floor of ships. It’s been acting up and he wanted me to beat it up for him…
Uh huh yeah yeah that’s right I was asked to
Deck Deck’s Deck Decks”
You listen in…
“Yeah I’ve just been hanging out with the Wu Tang Clan in Shaolin… uh huh yeah it’s not the same since ODB passed on…
“So any way I’m talking to the Inspectah and he’s got a problem. He’s got this djing equipment that he uses on the top floor of ships. It’s been acting up and he wanted me to beat it up for him…
Uh huh yeah yeah that’s right I was asked to
Deck Deck’s Deck Decks”
Sunday 11 April 2010
The Professor's Good Fortune and Eccentric Plan Combo
You’ve been hired by the Professor from Cluedo. He’s recently had some good fortune which has turned him a dark purple colour. Does he ever look stylish! He’s bought a new wardrobe to go with his new colour…
But I digress and time, as you well know, is money.
The prof. wants to celebrate and, inspired by Roald Dahl’s James and The Giant Peach, he wants to live in a giant fruit in the genus Prunus, subgenus Prunus. Before he moves in though he wants some pipes fitting for it, you know for water and heating and that. This is where you come in…
Plumb plum-plum Plum’s plum
But I digress and time, as you well know, is money.
The prof. wants to celebrate and, inspired by Roald Dahl’s James and The Giant Peach, he wants to live in a giant fruit in the genus Prunus, subgenus Prunus. Before he moves in though he wants some pipes fitting for it, you know for water and heating and that. This is where you come in…
Plumb plum-plum Plum’s plum
Friday 9 April 2010
A Tricky Question
Courtesy of Asa Roast....
You have been asked to appear on The Weakest Link, the popular BBC quiz show hosted by the icy Anne Robinson.
You make it through the first few rounds without being judged the ‘weakest link’, but things are getting tougher. In the third round, a string of correct answers looks promising, but all it will take is one slip up and all the money accumulated could be lost!
Anne turns her steely gaze to you. Your palms are sweaty.
“In the sit-com ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel Air’,” she sneers, “the financial institutions owned by Uncle Phil’s family were contracted to collect and store a set of man-made geographical features – but exactly what kind of geographical features were they?”
You breathe a sigh of relief. You watched that episode just last night! And you can clearly remember that Uncle Phil was required to store a set of long artificial mounds of earth used to hold back water and support roads.
With confidence you answer:
“Banks’s Banks bank banks – bank!”
You have been asked to appear on The Weakest Link, the popular BBC quiz show hosted by the icy Anne Robinson.
You make it through the first few rounds without being judged the ‘weakest link’, but things are getting tougher. In the third round, a string of correct answers looks promising, but all it will take is one slip up and all the money accumulated could be lost!
Anne turns her steely gaze to you. Your palms are sweaty.
“In the sit-com ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel Air’,” she sneers, “the financial institutions owned by Uncle Phil’s family were contracted to collect and store a set of man-made geographical features – but exactly what kind of geographical features were they?”
You breathe a sigh of relief. You watched that episode just last night! And you can clearly remember that Uncle Phil was required to store a set of long artificial mounds of earth used to hold back water and support roads.
With confidence you answer:
“Banks’s Banks bank banks – bank!”
Thursday 8 April 2010
Excruciatingly Evil Ezra
You fight for truth!
You fight for justice!
You have an enemy!
His name is Ezra. Occupation: Poet; Nationality: American; Political Views: Moustachioed fascist.
Ezra has recently been turning his attention to the matter of coins that have been wandering the streets without collars on. Cruel, cold Ezra has been imprisoning these helpless coins in a specially made coin prison.
You must smash that this coin gaol!
You know WHAT YOU MUST DO!!!
Pound Pound’s Pound Pound.
You fight for justice!
You have an enemy!
His name is Ezra. Occupation: Poet; Nationality: American; Political Views: Moustachioed fascist.
Ezra has recently been turning his attention to the matter of coins that have been wandering the streets without collars on. Cruel, cold Ezra has been imprisoning these helpless coins in a specially made coin prison.
You must smash that this coin gaol!
You know WHAT YOU MUST DO!!!
Pound Pound’s Pound Pound.
Friday 2 April 2010
Our Common Enemy
Listen! I don't have too much time to explain. We're on the run from our common enemy a common avian who carries around a common bendy necked toilet cleaning device.
At the moment our common enemy is attached to a common air vent pipe by some common adhesive tape but he will escape...
He's going to throw something at us. To let you know that he's throwing it I will use a common northern term of endearment to let you know IT'S NOT A TEST...
Here he comes...
Duck Duck! Duct-Duck-Duct Duck!
At the moment our common enemy is attached to a common air vent pipe by some common adhesive tape but he will escape...
He's going to throw something at us. To let you know that he's throwing it I will use a common northern term of endearment to let you know IT'S NOT A TEST...
Here he comes...
Duck Duck! Duct-Duck-Duct Duck!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
