Geriatric Chat Time

"Oh, you would have loved her, dear."

said one old lady to the next.

"I would have?"

the other old lady said to the first.

"Oh yes, she loved flowers, just like you. In fact this garden - well she was responsible for it"

said the first to the second.

"Really? She planted all the lines of those beautiful flowers, the ancient symbols of love and beauty?"

replied the second to the first.

"Well, not quite, but she did make them higher,"

explained the original old lady.

"I don't understand, dear"

the second old lady responded.

The first old lady smiled and said

"Rose Rose Rose Rows"

Arrrrrr This Pirate Talk Be Tedious

Listen up, you scurvy dogs! I spy a vessel to plunder!

This vessel not be fancy, in fact it just be a plank o' wood - a plank of wood full o' manmade holes.

But, me laddy, the plank is housing the controllers o' a company, the ones who make the decisions, full of gold they be!

an' they're ripe for the plucking, they've been out at sea so long they look like they're goin' crazy from the tedium.

Are ye ready!?

Board Bored Bored- Board Board!

George Frideric is a Weatherman

You work for a company that specialises in making nicknames for people to use in internet forums, MMORPGs and HAM radio conversations - that kind of thing.

Your boss makes you do everything!

He's supposed to be working on a nickname for George Frideric, the German-British Baroque composer of the Hip-Hop classic "Messiah". The nickname's for use on web forums about devices used for opening doors.

He looks over to you.

You just know he's going to ask you to take on this work.

He does.

*Sigh*

In his usual off hand manner he says,


Handle Handel's handle handle.

Frank's Wild Years

Frank from East Enders is your lackey. He's stopped selling used cars, running pubs with Peggy or shouting that eminently quotable phrase "Ricky" and now he does various nefarious jobs for you.

You want him to deal with one of the two meat sellers in town. One's OK but the other one - the one who's more muscly, manly and has a better moustache - is a problem.

You want Frank to get rid of this Meaty Man in the grizzliest, bloodiest way possible.

You call over to him.

Butcher! Butcher Butcher Butcher!

No Longer Average

You know the average?

Well he's fed up of being the sum of the results divided by the number in the sample - he's now badass! He won't take no guff!

He changed! From now on he's decided he's going to be the way we obtain a result or achieve an end!

Let me put it simply

Mean Mean Means Means

Phil Collins is Merely Implied

Two Scousers are talking..

"Tinky Winky, Po and Dipsy's mate owns a Scandinavian bloke, doesn't 'e?"

"Does 'e?"

"yeh, e's always singin the solfège note for A"

"oh I know the fella e's

La La's La Lars, La"

I've Never Cared For Him

Every one's favourite (sic) fool pitying, non jibber jabbering, snicker shilling former acting man has some very special golf equipment.

The tacks he puts on the ground when he hits his first shot are special because they're not made of plastic but instead made from the leaves of a popular hot beverage.

Now these tacks are also special because they're sentient and very fussy. They'll only let themselves be used at dinner time.

B.A Baracus's first inhabiter thinks these pegs need taking down a peg or two. He wants you to make fun of them.

Go on

Tease T's Tea Tea-Tees.

Shining Like a National Guitar

A poster has a picture of Mr King, the esteemed octogenarian blues guitarist, pointing in the style of America's Uncle Sam.

It tells us that he requires a substitute yellow and black insect to carry the pellets for his air gun.

He wants YOU!


Be BB's B bb Bee

Two Friends One Client

I have two friends.
They dig things out of the ground for me.
One of them's big and one of them's small.
Today I will use the small one.
I have a client.
She has a bird that's a mimic.
The bird only mimics sad, sad songs.

Today I ask my small friend to dig the bird out from deep under the ground where it's been smooshed.

I say to him

"Minor Miner Mine 'Er Minor Myna"

Japanese To English (And English To Japanese)

Courtesy of E. Max Broady

I am holding a scrabble evening with my friend Yoko, avant-garde Japanese artist and former wife of John Lennon. Unfortunately, I have an incomplete scrabble set and have asked Yoko if she could bring along each of one of the vowels to make up a complete set of tiles. But alas, on her arrival it transpires that Yoko has only brought an A, E, I and U - she doesn't have any tiles of the final vowel! Realising my Scrabble plans are scuppered I exclaim:

Oh no! Ono own no own 'O'

He's A Surprisingly Good Actor

Dwayne Johnson has a nickname based on his love for music made by bands that principally consist of an electric guitarist, lead singer, bass guitarist and a drummer, such as The Who and Led Zeppelin.

When Dwayne's not busy starring in films such as "The Tooth Fairy" and "Doom" and "WWE Smackdown" he enjoys shaking stones made from a popular sugary seaside confectionary .

Or to put it another way,

"Rock" Rock Rocks Rock Rocks

Does Mr Grills Defecate In The Woods?

with thanks to Mr E. Max Broady

Mr Grills, lovely chap, adventurer and T.V presenter extraordinaire is completely naked in the woods.

When asked if he minds the big hairy ursine creatures being around, he responds

"They're annoying but I put up with them"

Yes siree Bob,

Bare Bear Bears Bears

OWS Number 52 - This Time It's Political

Ed, the Shadow Education Secretary, Labour Party Leader Nominee and "Buddy of Gordon Brown" has been crying a lot recently.

It hasn't been about The Coalition or the slender majority he has in his constituency but about the patent cobblers people have been talking about him.

He refers to it variously as "bunkum, hogwash, balderdash and piffle" but most regularly as a slang term for testicles. Ed, you lower the tone.

These tears are particularly painful as they come out of his eyes in the form of bouncing spherical objects. Ouch!

Yes indeedy,

Balls Bawls "Balls" Balls

Agent Cooper's Continuing Cases

Agent Dale Cooper is investigating a crime scene. It is at the very centre of the US Marines' base and there appears to be a big hole in it.

Putting down his damn fine coffee he speaks into his dictaphone.

"Diane," he says in his customary manner, "looking around this crime scene I know that the people who were here wanted to do something. But what?"

Agent cooper walks around the site.

"what I am looking for is some kind of obtuse clue or dream sequence to help me find out just what they were doing here..."

Agent Cooper proceeds to pull the cover off of what turns out to be a birdcage.

"A Parrot," Cooper muses. "Since I was a small boy I've always loved parrots.Maybe this is what I've been looking for"

The parrot opens its beak and Agent Cooper cocks an ear....


Caw! Core Corps' Core

Desmond's Ballet Passion

You are in a museum dedicated to the noted human rights campaigner and second South African to win the Nobel Peace Prize, Archbishop Desmond.

On your left are Desmond's famous purple vestments.

On your right are few of Desmond's less famous items of clothing. These are a couple of skirts worn for his ballet performances made entirely from Second Class degree certificates.

You ask your companion which ones you should see.

She replies,

"To Tutu's Two 2:2 Tutus!"

Cambodian Star Wars

The year is 1977 and you are a member of a rebel alliance against the Khmer Rouge.

For reasons to tedious to explain you are at Pol's personal pool table and have an opportunity to destroy his evil empire.

In a scene vaguely reminiscent of one in Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope (the one where Luke Skywalker shoots the bomb down an exhaust pipe in the big round space ship and blows it up) you have to push a cannabis plant in a ceramic jar in to a pool table pocket. This will destroy Pol's palace and empire for some reason.

Go ahead and do it!

Pot Pot's Pot Pot

The One Where I Gloat At Orson And Mock Herbert George

Orson, a man known as "the ultimate auteur" and the writer/director/star of Citizen Cane is going treasure hunting with his best friend, me. I have a little nickname for him based on the fact he's never ill. We're cute like that.

Orson does not believe we're going to find the drilled water sources that belong to H.G., the man known as "the father of science fiction" and a former friend of mine. I like to make fun of H.G. by calling him a name based on the fact his eyes water all the time, like a big cry baby. I'm mean like that.

During our search we find these water sources. I can not help but gloat. I turn to Orson and say...


'Well Well Well "Well" Welles, "Wells" Wells' Wells'

It Might Sound Corny

Ms. West, an actress known for her bawdy double entendres and for having a life preserver cheekily nicknamed after her, owns a labyrinth made of corn. It is open exclusively from the end of April to the start of June.

She was looking at the list of UNESCO world heritage sites and was wondering if she could have it listed. Would you be able to help? As you decide the what counts as a world heritage site. Can she have it listed? Please? Pleeeeease?

May Mae's May Maize Maze?

The Sun Shines/Down And Yet I'm None/The Wiser

With mad props to Tom Pickard....



Whilst leafing through the Sun the other day this little story caught my eye...

Mad sea-defying king headbutts fired former government drugs advisor in the testicles over game of poker in which the latter acquired a nickname for holding the strongest possible hand, yesterday.

Well this certainly piqued my interest!

But who were these people? I glanced up at the headline and all was revealed to me:

Nuts Knut Nuts Nuts Nutt's Nuts.

Your Mother's Breakfast

Your mother is sitting down at the kitchen table. She's just about to spread yeast extract on to her toast when she notices a little bug.

*sigh*

she sighs.

She's seen this bug before and it seems that it just wants to ruin everything, getting on the food and crawling around as it does.

She considers pouring the yeast extract over the bug.

Ma Might Marmite Mar Mite

Nightime Noir or The Turnip's Turnover

Failure can do funny things to a man.

Graham "The Turnip" wasn't always a down on his luck P.I. - he used to manage the famous England football team... but times change and so must a man....

"Turnip", came a cry over Graham's car's P.A. It was Graham the P.I's boss.

"Do I not like that," muttered the man known as Turnip under his whisky sodden breath.

"The Dame's suit maker is nearby you. You know the guy, always puts appendages on the backsides of women's suits whilst they're wearing them, always makes a point of ordering his underlings to do it"

"I know the one, chief" grimaced the Turnip. They'd had dealings.

"Well, when you see him I want you to follow him," the chief ordered.

"I don't follow you boss...", Turnip started but the Chief interjected angrily.

"Taylor! Tail 'er "Tail 'er" Taylor"

Bear With Me On This One

Yogi Bear's sidekick has died and has taken up a job as a ghost from the Mario Series who are, as we all know, a notoriously fickle bunch.

The ghosts have been invited round for an ultra rare drinking session at Mr Radley's house. You may remember Mr Radley from his appearance in Harper Lee's classics "To Kill a Mocking Bird" and it's little read sequel "To Kill a Mocking Bird 2: Electric Boogaloo".

Mr Radley serves the ghosts an alcoholic beverage he has brewed for "Cuts, scrapes, bruises and owies". Yogi's now former partner is displeased.

Boo-Boo Boo Boos Boo's Boo-Boo Booze

A Tale of Two Tonys‏

Courtesy of Asa Roast

Times are hard for everybody – but particularly light entertainers. Have you heard about Tony? You know, the whimsical comedian who wrote ‘Round Ireland With a Fridge’ and was a regular on ‘Just a Minute’ for some time? Well, he is whimsical no more. He’s had a tough time of it since the recession hit, so much so that he’s become radicalised. Now he’s started his own right-wing pro-war political party. Scary! As you can imagine, his bookings have really dried up since his routines now consist of impassioned rants against the so-called Axis of Evil. To finance his party he’s had to start selling birds of prey, which he procures through an old friend of his – a world renowned skateboarder who happens to be named Tony too. He doesn’t even have a permit to sell the birds, so he just sets up an informal stall on the pavement and pressures people passing by into purchasing his black market avians. To summarise:

Hawk Hawks hawks Hawk’s hawks.

Ridicule Is Not The Same As Hamhocks

Courtesy of Stephen Clatworthy

One afternoon, feeling peckish, a famous ex pop star (with confidence and a regional accent) takes in some sliced porcine meat and a traditional hot leafy drink.

adamant adam ant 'ad 'am an' t

Johnny's Maddening Mum

Johnny, the guitarist from the Smiths (who often moonlights with the Pretenders, Talking Heads, Modest Mouse, The Cribs, Electronic, The Healers, The The and ummmm that's all I can think of) mother is a lunatic from the red planet.

The reason his mum's head's in the clouds is that she spends all her time defacing nougaty choclate. yup,

Marr's Mars' Ma Marrs Mars

Musca's Love Curtis Mayfield

A scene from a from a famous Blaxploitation film, starring insects, "Sweet Sweetbug's Bugass Song" is playing:

Two Musca Domestica are sitting in a bar, Curtis Mayfield is playing in the background:

Musca 1: Listen man, put your wings in and your proboscis down and listen to me.

Musca 2: Ok, ok.

Musca 1: Your going about this all wrong. You gotta be hipper, you gotta be funkier.

Musca 2: But I sail my kite every day.

Musca 1: Kites are the wrong thing to sail on a piece of string, honky! You've gotta use a zipped trouser fastening instead, you jive me?

Musca 2: You mean...?

Musca 1: Fly Flies Fly Flies!

Stoners’ Slightly Strained Story

Scene: Ext, by a campfire two ‘Stoner Hippies’ are sitting discussing a film idea:

Stoner 1: So, like, the noble-prize winning German dude, Thomas, is talking about making a film out of his book The Magic Mountain with his buddy Kierkegaard.

Stoner 2: Uh-huh.

Stoner 1: Yeah and they decide they’ll both star in it.

Stoner 2: haha, cool.

Stoner 1: and, get this dude, they’re such out-there heads they decide to change the plot of it a bit. They’re going to make it about a giant robot! A giant robot they can control, like a, like a… Power Ranger.

Stoner 2: Huh Huh, heavy dude, huh huh huh

Stoner 1: yeah and they like make it out of an Isle… like one west of England in the Irish Channel. That’s blow people’s minds.

Stoner 2: huh cool

Stoner 2 stares at his hands for 5 minutes

Stoner 2: woah sorry, then what happens in the film.

Stoner 1:Mann Mans Mann Man, Man!

The Reporter Is Secretly Tin Tin

It’s a slow news day.

The Yorkshire Evening Post has sent an intrepid young reporter to sniff out a story….. and he finds one!

Phoning up Talkback Thames he speaks to an intern working in the offices of a long running Police Drama.

“Hi ya” he says “anything interesting going on?”

“Well,” replies the (also) intrepid intern, “I’ve been sending out invoices to a company owned by former President Clinton.”

“Wow!”, says dashing young reporter, genuinely impressed.

“yeah”, the charismatic young ‘tern continues. “He’s been putting posters onto large bird’s beaks for us. That’s what his company does.”

The eager young reporter gets to work and soon there’s a headline outside all of the news agents in Leeds:

“'Bill Bills Bill’s Bill-Bills”

Ian's DIY book

Ian, former England and Arsenal footballer, former excitable pundit, former cheeky chappy, current presenter of “Live from Studio 5” is never wrong. It’s a marvellous talent to have and he’s putting it to good use.



Recently, Ian has been putting pen to paper to scrawl a mystical tome on the ritual how of put up things that have fallen over. The tome is mystical as the action of putting-things-back-the-way-should-be described must be performed from the starboard side whilst chanting words mean “I understand” and “I will do that”.



Put simply



Right Wright Writes “Right”-Right-Right-Rites

Edgar’s Bizarre and Convoluted Hatred

Noted goth Edgar Allan, author of The Raven (not to be confused with "The Crow"), is a strange man with a strange grudge. oh yes he is.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

First, let me tell you about Monty Python’s Knights and what they’re up to. You know the one’s, always uttering that one sound…

Well they’ve moved to a French town on the northern edge of the Pyrenees that according to tourist guides makes up for in location what it lacks in personality. Harsh words.

The knights used their time here to build their shrubberies in which they have put a small horse.

Now this small horse in turn has taken to collecting bundles of money worth £25, which are referred to by one and all in their cockney rhyming slang name.

Now cruel twisted Edgar Allan hates these piles of £25 pounds. He takes his emaciated black clad frame and, with Tim Burton watching, brings his bent leg into the money. “Mwhahahhaa” he cries. Burton is overjoyed as

Po Knees Pau-Ni’s Pony’s Ponies.

An Alphabet Definition

Here in Onewordsentence land we are taking a break from our usual pointless sound makings to look more closely into the home for the building blocks of language - the alphabet.

Here is it defined adding a letter at a time to make it easier to remember....


Aye! - Expression meaning “cool!”, especially if spoken by Arthur Fonzerelli.

A Bee – A member of Apoidea family

A Bee Sea - An ocean of members of the Apoidea family.

A Bee CD – A compact disc recording of the sound of a member of the Apoidea family.

A “Bee CD” E – A tablet containing MDMA with an etching of a compact disc recording of the sound of a member of the Apoidea family on it

A “Bee CD E” Eff – A swearword uttered after ingesting a tablet containing MDMA with an etching of a compact disc recording of the sound of a member of the Apoidea family on it.

A “Bee CD E Eff” Gee - A person who is a “gangsta” in the hip hop parlance who is swearing because they have ingested a tablet containing MDMA with an etching of a compact disc recording of the sound of a member of the Apoidea family on it.

A “Bee CD E Eff" Gee H - A person who is a “gangsta” in the hip hop parlance and a former member of pop group Steps who is swearing because they have ingested a tablet containing MDMA with an etching of a compact disc recording of the sound of a member of the Apoidea family on it.

A “Bee CD E Eff Gee H” Eye – The ocular region of a person who is a “gangsta” in the hip hop parlance and a former member of pop group Steps who is swearing because they have ingested a tablet containing MDMA with an etching of a compact disc recording of the sound of a member of the Apoidea family on it.

A “Bee CD E Eff Gee H Eye” Jaye – A bird that has a very similar ocular region to that of a person who is a “gangsta” in the hip hop parlance and a former member of pop group Steps who is swearing because they have ingested a tablet containing MDMA with an etching of a compact disc recording of the sound of a member of the Apoidea family on it.

A “Bee CD Eff Gee H Eye” JK – The lead singer of Jamiroquai who has a very similar ocular region to that of a person who is a “gangsta” in the hip hop parlance and a former member of pop group Steps who is swearing because they have ingested a tablet containing MDMA with an etching of a compact disc recording of the sound of a member of the Apoidea family on it.

A “Bee CD Eff Gee H Eye JK” ‘Ell – A region of the after life solely dedicated to the torment of the lead singer of Jamiroquai who has a very similar ocular region to that of a person who is a “gangsta” in the hip hop parlance and a former member of pop group Steps, who is swearing because they have ingested a tablet containing MDMA with an etching of a compact disc recording of the sound of a member of the Apoidea family on it.

A “Bee CD Eff Gee H Eye Jay” KLM – Royal Dutch Airlines when they have been bought by a bird that has a very similar ocular region to that of a person who is a “gangsta” in the hip hop parlance and a former member of pop group Steps who is swearing because they have ingested a tablet containing MDMA with an etching of a compact disc recording of the sound of a member of the Apoidea family on it.

A “Bee CD Eff Gee H Eye Jay KLM” ‘En - A female domesticated fowl owned by Royal Dutch Airlines when they have been bought by a bird that has a very similar ocular region to that of a person who is a “gangsta” in the hip hop parlance and a former member of pop group Steps who is swearing because they have ingested a tablet containing MDMA with an etching of a compact disc recording of the sound of a member of the Apoidea family on it.

A “Bee CD Eff Gee H Eye Jay KLM ‘En” Oh – An expression of surprise uttered by a female domesticated fowl owned by Royal Dutch Airlines when they have been bought by a bird that has a very similar ocular region to that of a person who is a “gangsta” in the hip hop parlance and a former member of pop group Steps who is swearing because they have ingested a tablet containing MDMA with an etching of a compact disc recording of the sound of a member of the Apoidea family on it.

A “Bee CD Eff Gee H Eye Jay KLM ‘En Oh” Pee – Urination caused by hearing an expression of surprise uttered by a female domesticated fowl owned by Royal Dutch Airlines when they have been bought by a bird that has a very similar ocular region to that of a person who is a “gangsta” in the hip hop parlance and a former member of pop group Steps who is swearing because they have ingested a tablet containing MDMA with an etching of a compact disc recording of the sound of a member of the Apoidea family on it.

A “Bee CD Eff Gee H Eye Jay KLM ‘En Oh Pee” Queue – A line of people waiting to urinate because they’ve heard an expression of surprise uttered by a female domesticated fowl owned by Royal Dutch Airlines when they have been bought by a bird that has a very similar ocular region to that of a person who is a “gangsta” in the hip hop parlance and a former member of pop group Steps who is swearing because they have ingested a tablet containing MDMA with an etching of a compact disc recording of the sound of a member of the Apoidea family on it.

A “Bee CD Eff Gee H Eye Jay KLM ‘En Oh Pee Queue” Arrr – The sound one makes, in the manner of a pirate, whilst waiting in a line of people waiting to urinate because they’ve heard an expression of surprise uttered by a female domesticated fowl owned by Royal Dutch Airlines when they have been bought by a bird that has a very similar ocular region to that of a person who is a “gangsta” in the hip hop parlance and a former member of pop group Steps who is swearing because they have ingested a tablet containing MDMA with an etching of a compact disc recording of the sound of a member of the Apoidea family on it.

A “Bee CD Eff Gee H Eye Jay KLM ‘En Oh Pee Queue” RS – an injury caused by repeatedly performing the action of standing in a line of people waiting to urinate because they’ve heard an expression of surprise uttered by a female domesticated fowl owned by Royal Dutch Airlines when they have been bought by a bird that has a very similar ocular region to that of a person who is a “gangsta” in the hip hop parlance and a former member of pop group Steps who is swearing because they have ingested a tablet containing MDMA with an etching of a compact disc recording of the sound of a member of the Apoidea family on it.

A “Bee CD Eff Gee H Eye Jay KLM ‘En Oh Pee Queue RS” Tea – A hot beverage given to someone suffering from an injury caused by repeatedly performing the action of standing in a line of people waiting to urinate because they’ve heard an expression of surprise uttered by a female domesticated fowl owned by Royal Dutch Airlines when they have been bought by a bird that has a very similar ocular region to that of a person who is a “gangsta” in the hip hop parlance and a former member of pop group Steps who is swearing because they have ingested a tablet containing MDMA with an etching of a compact disc recording of the sound of a member of the Apoidea family on it.

A “Bee CD Eff Gee H Eye Jay KLM ‘En Oh Pee Queue RS Tea” Ewe – A female sheep who provides a hot beverage that is given to someone suffering from an injury caused by repeatedly performing the action of standing in a line of people waiting to urinate because they’ve heard an expression of surprise uttered by a female domesticated fowl owned by Royal Dutch Airlines when they have been bought by a bird that has a very similar ocular region to that of a person who is a “gangsta” in the hip hop parlance and a former member of pop group Steps who is swearing because they have ingested a tablet containing MDMA with an etching of a compact disc recording of the sound of a member of the Apoidea family on it.

A “Bee CD Eff Gee H Eye Jay KLM ‘En Oh Pee Queue RS Tea” U.V. – High Frequency light emitted by a hot beverage that is given to someone suffering from an injury caused by repeatedly performing the action of standing in a line of people waiting to urinate because they’ve heard an expression of surprise uttered by a female domesticated fowl owned by Royal Dutch Airlines when they have been bought by a bird that has a very similar ocular region to that of a person who is a “gangsta” in the hip hop parlance and a former member of pop group Steps who is swearing because they have ingested a tablet containing MDMA with an etching of a compact disc recording of the sound of a member of the Apoidea family on it.

A “Bee CD Eff Gee H Eye Jay KLM ‘En Oh Pee Queue RS Tea Ewe” V.W. – A German car provided for carrying a female sheep who provides a hot beverage that is given to someone suffering from an injury caused by repeatedly performing the action of standing in a line of people waiting to urinate because they’ve heard an expression of surprise uttered by a female domesticated fowl owned by Royal Dutch Airlines when they have been bought by a bird that has a very similar ocular region to that of a person who is a “gangsta” in the hip hop parlance and a former member of pop group Steps who is swearing because they have ingested a tablet containing MDMA with an etching of a compact disc recording of the sound of a member of the Apoidea family on it.

A “Bee CD Eff Gee H Eye Jay KLM ‘En Oh Pee Queue RS Tea Ewe V.W.” Ex – Someone’s former partner who owns a German car provided for carrying a female sheep who provides a hot beverage that is given to someone suffering from an injury caused by repeatedly performing the action of standing in a line of people waiting to urinate because they’ve heard an expression of surprise uttered by a female domesticated fowl owned by Royal Dutch Airlines when they have been bought by a bird that has a very similar ocular region to that of a person who is a “gangsta” in the hip hop parlance and a former member of pop group Steps who is swearing because they have ingested a tablet containing MDMA with an etching of a compact disc recording of the sound of a member of the Apoidea family on it.

A” Bee CD Eff Gee H Eye Jay KLM ‘En Oh Pee Queue RS Tea Ewe V.W. Ex” Why – A question asked about someone’s former partner’s German car provided for carrying a female sheep who provides a hot beverage that is given to someone suffering from an injury caused by repeatedly performing the action of standing in a line of people waiting to urinate because they’ve heard an expression of surprise uttered by a female domesticated fowl owned by Royal Dutch Airlines when they have been bought by a bird that has a very similar ocular region to that of a person who is a “gangsta” in the hip hop parlance and a former member of pop group Steps who is swearing because they have ingested a tablet containing MDMA with an etching of a compact disc recording of the sound of a member of the Apoidea family on it.

A “Bee CD Eff Gee H Eye Jay KLM ‘En Oh Pee Queue RS Tea Ewe V.W. Ex Why” Zed – A Chopper owning character from Pulp Fiction who is always asking questions about someone’s former partner’s German car provided for carrying a female sheep who provides a hot beverage that is given to someone suffering from an injury caused by repeatedly performing the action of standing in a line of people waiting to urinate because they’ve heard an expression of surprise uttered by a female domesticated fowl owned by Royal Dutch Airlines when they have been bought by a bird that has a very similar ocular region to that of a person who is a “gangsta” in the hip hop parlance and a former member of pop group Steps who is swearing because they have ingested a tablet containing MDMA with an etching of a compact disc recording of the sound of a member of the Apoidea family on it.

Sharon’s Evil Statue

Sharon, MENSA member and film star extraordinaire, is a menace. She’s fresh from co-starring in Basic Instinct 2 with Stan Collymore and now has nefarious plans that must be thwarted.

We believe that Sharon has made a statue, a golem if you will, of the purest evil and it must be stopped! Our sources tell us it’s one weak spot is it’s testicles. As it’s cojones are made of rock they can’t be killed by conventional means…. Odd as it sounds your going to have to get those down below boulders high - preferably with a doobie.

Your mission therefore:

Stone Stone’s stone stones

James's One Man War On Druckqs

James, posh pop minstrel, former army officer, handsome devil, co-writer and singer of the quite frankly gorgeous gem “You’re Beautiful” is an outspoken fellow. He calls a spade a spayed and tells it like it is.

Recently, James had been on a massive anti drugs kick.His life is pure after all.

He’s taking direct action in the war on drugs and his first step is to stop people smoking hollowed out cigars filled with cannabis. He hates them! Every time he sees one he stubs it out.

In fact

Blunt Blunt blunts blunts

I Love The Ends Of My Legs

The ends of my legs are the best! They really are the greatest. I think they're waaaaaaaaay better than my hands.

I'll tell you why....

There's these creatures that pull things along for a distance of 12 inches at a time. You might have heard of them… in fact they're named after this fact.

Anyway, the ends of my legs help out the developing stage of these creatures, you know, before the creatures are born. The ends of my legs will do things that go above and beyond the call of duty in the most impressive way for every single one of these pre-born 30cm dragging beauties.

So my

Feet'll feat all foetal feet-hawl

I Was Blind And Then A WIzard Came

I have been blind for many years now.

I am an old man now but when I was but 15 years of age a friend of mine accidently shot me in the face with a paintball gun. Since that moment I have not been able to gaze at the sky, appreciate the colours of nature... and I have never known the faces of my loved ones.

Recently, on my travels, I met a wizard. He told me he could restore my vision, but we would have to go to a bizzarre place.

I agreed and I heard what sounded like a whoosh of a cape. He told me we had arrived.

He spoke to me

"When I touch your forehead you will look upon a frozen ocean made of ocular organs, each organ having the 9th and 3rd letter of the alphabet written upon it.

He pressed my forehead and I cried out,

"I see icy I C eye sea"

My Beautiful Beach

It's gotten really hot recently. I know I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but listen.

I own a little beach which is famed for having a lot of cresting water formations in the sea next to it. Now, as it's gotten so hot recently, I've started charging a lot for the privilege of cooling off at my lovely lil’ beach...

So anyways, I'm going away for a while and I need you to collect money from all the people, things, abstract concepts and ideas swimming around in the water.

All of them APART the 2008 German film directed by Dennis Ganselr which is splashing about in the sea during this spell of very warm weather. When it gets out don't make it pay, it's a good pal of mine. You'll recognise it because it'll be moving its hand from side to side to side to side.

You understand me?

I'll tell you again:

Waive wave-wave-wave Wave

My Wanderings With A River

With thanks to Stephen Clatworthy...


Now hear ye all.

I was walking one day with my grand companion - you may know him as the river that runs through Leicester - when we chanced upon a boat propulsion device made from frozen water. It was thing that was once impressive to behold and thing of garish ugliness.

The river turned to me and asked me if I had seen the frozen thing with my ocular area and was I suitably impressed?

With great vigor I replied:

Aye Soar, Eyes Awe! I saw eye sore ice oar.

Regarding A Ref's Red Card

Graham, the Premiership referee has just finished referee-ing USA vs Italy. His face is red as he’s just given 3 yellow cards… to the same player!

He’s distraught.

You want to make him feel better. You need some advice… but who can help?

You know!

Graham has two sticks of Polish extraction that know him better than anyone else. One lives at the very northern tip of the earth, one lives at the very southern.

You prepare for your journey. You’re getting ready to

Poll Pole’s Pole-Pole Poles

Charlie Brown's Post Peanuts Depression‏

Snoopy has become a jealous, jealous dog since Peanuts has ended. Who can blame him? It’s been hard on us all.

Charlie Brown comes up to you

*sigh*

He grimaces and explains his predicament.

He's become friends with some chickens recently. He refers to them as his friends using a northern vernacular term. You’ve picked up some funny habits, Charlie Brown!

Anyway, because of Snoopy’s jealousy he needs you to get rid of him for him.

Chuck Chuck’s chook chucks

John Candy's 2 Peculiarities

The year is 1989 and you are a researcher on the David Letterman show. John Candy is the world’s biggest movie star after his mega success playing the titular role in a John Hughes comedy as Macaulay Culkin’s uncle. The film’s a hoot!

Now, John Candy has become a little peculiar for two reasons:

Firstly; Mr Candy is a method actor and he hasn’t got out of character yet. He will only be referred to by his character's name. He’s serious about his craft!

Secondly: As a budding inventor Mr Candy has written a novel about male deer with a twist; The twist is that the novel literally talks like a chicken. AND he’s selling it for just one dollar.

Now David wants you to get this tome on the show.

Well you think he does.

He’s just barked at you

“Book Buck’s buck-buck buck buck book”

Tang Train Tussles

You are sitting next to a man on the train. He’s got one of those head set talky thingys on. It’s on the other side of his head to you so you initially think he’s talking to you. You almost respond but stop yourself when you realise. Phew!

You listen in…

“Yeah I’ve just been hanging out with the Wu Tang Clan in Shaolin… uh huh yeah it’s not the same since ODB passed on…

“So any way I’m talking to the Inspectah and he’s got a problem. He’s got this djing equipment that he uses on the top floor of ships. It’s been acting up and he wanted me to beat it up for him…

Uh huh yeah yeah that’s right I was asked to

Deck Deck’s Deck Decks”

The Professor's Good Fortune and Eccentric Plan Combo

You’ve been hired by the Professor from Cluedo. He’s recently had some good fortune which has turned him a dark purple colour. Does he ever look stylish! He’s bought a new wardrobe to go with his new colour…

But I digress and time, as you well know, is money.

The prof. wants to celebrate and, inspired by Roald Dahl’s James and The Giant Peach, he wants to live in a giant fruit in the genus Prunus, subgenus Prunus. Before he moves in though he wants some pipes fitting for it, you know for water and heating and that. This is where you come in…

Plumb plum-plum Plum’s plum

A Tricky Question‏

Courtesy of Asa Roast....

You have been asked to appear on The Weakest Link, the popular BBC quiz show hosted by the icy Anne Robinson.

You make it through the first few rounds without being judged the ‘weakest link’, but things are getting tougher. In the third round, a string of correct answers looks promising, but all it will take is one slip up and all the money accumulated could be lost!

Anne turns her steely gaze to you. Your palms are sweaty.

“In the sit-com ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel Air’,” she sneers, “the financial institutions owned by Uncle Phil’s family were contracted to collect and store a set of man-made geographical features – but exactly what kind of geographical features were they?”

You breathe a sigh of relief. You watched that episode just last night! And you can clearly remember that Uncle Phil was required to store a set of long artificial mounds of earth used to hold back water and support roads.

With confidence you answer:

“Banks’s Banks bank banks – bank!”

Excruciatingly Evil Ezra

You fight for truth!

You fight for justice!

You have an enemy!

His name is Ezra. Occupation: Poet; Nationality: American; Political Views: Moustachioed fascist.

Ezra has recently been turning his attention to the matter of coins that have been wandering the streets without collars on. Cruel, cold Ezra has been imprisoning these helpless coins in a specially made coin prison.

You must smash that this coin gaol!

You know WHAT YOU MUST DO!!!

Pound Pound’s Pound Pound.

Our Common Enemy

Listen! I don't have too much time to explain. We're on the run from our common enemy a common avian who carries around a common bendy necked toilet cleaning device.

At the moment our common enemy is attached to a common air vent pipe by some common adhesive tape but he will escape...

He's going to throw something at us. To let you know that he's throwing it I will use a common northern term of endearment to let you know IT'S NOT A TEST...

Here he comes...


Duck Duck! Duct-Duck-Duct Duck!

Picard's Personnel Problem

Captain Picard has a problem.

Beverley Crusher has decided to hit the singles scene and has set up a series of dinners with women she fancies. There’s a problem though… They’re all in a jumble. Beverley has no idea when any of these meals are! The Captain decides to help, so he delegates a task to his android commander.

His voice booming with Shakesperian gravitas, he says

“Data, date her “date her” data”

The Illest Rapper

I was given an order the other day as part of my work as a hitman for hire.

It was but 5 words long.

I interpreted it thusly.


We need you to attack something belonging to a rapper with awesome flow. You'll know the MC through his nom de hiphop, - (it means regurgitation) - which he chose cos his flow's so ill. Now we don't want you kill this thing he owns, just attack in the manner of a dog.

The thing we want you to attack is a collection of his vomits, numbering just more than five.



I'll quote you the message as I was given it - any mistakes are not mine.

Sick Sick Sick's six sicks [sic]

A Fan's Present To You

You are a celebrity! You are a star!

One of your fans wants you to make their day by putting your signature to a picture on a stick that they’ve made.

Why not aye? Anything for the fans!

You look down and say

“Heeeeeeeey, this is NICE! What is it?”

they swallow and nervously reply...

“it’s... it’s a representation of a trigonometric function done in the language of the deaf”

You flash them your pearliest smile and make eye contact for the briefest moment.

As they faint you...

Sign sign-sine Sign