The Illest Rapper

I was given an order the other day as part of my work as a hitman for hire.

It was but 5 words long.

I interpreted it thusly.


We need you to attack something belonging to a rapper with awesome flow. You'll know the MC through his nom de hiphop, - (it means regurgitation) - which he chose cos his flow's so ill. Now we don't want you kill this thing he owns, just attack in the manner of a dog.

The thing we want you to attack is a collection of his vomits, numbering just more than five.



I'll quote you the message as I was given it - any mistakes are not mine.

Sick Sick Sick's six sicks [sic]

A Fan's Present To You

You are a celebrity! You are a star!

One of your fans wants you to make their day by putting your signature to a picture on a stick that they’ve made.

Why not aye? Anything for the fans!

You look down and say

“Heeeeeeeey, this is NICE! What is it?”

they swallow and nervously reply...

“it’s... it’s a representation of a trigonometric function done in the language of the deaf”

You flash them your pearliest smile and make eye contact for the briefest moment.

As they faint you...

Sign sign-sine Sign

Sexy 007

Your squadron commander hails you

"Perry, I want you to have sexual intercourse with a former James Bond... Moore's his name. You'll recognise him because he's draped in a pirate flag. God speed."

You take a deep breath and respond

"Roger. Roger roger Roger"

Our Dogs' Special Pee

Back when I was a boy we owned a farm that grew all kinds of things that we used to harvest and sell.

Unfortunately we had a couple of dogs that had very special urine; it contained cannabis seeds.

We didn't want the cannabis plants taking all the nutrients and sunlight from our crops so every summer...

we'd weed weed weed

Mr Campbell's fishy football boot

Former Spurs, Arsenal, Portsmouth and England defender Mr. Campbell owns only one shoe. This shoe is very unusual though...

Inside the shoe, for cushioning is a flatfish's eternal spirit which shines like the sun.

In fact inside the shoe is

Sol's sole sol-sole-soul sole

Baloo's Painful Hands

You've recently become friends with Baloo the bear from the jungle book. Sweet!

Recently he's changed his name to one of his favourite fruits (the one that isn't the prickly pear), as is his want.

He tells you that as he's a bear he doesn't have any money, so he can't afford anything to clean the tiny holes in his hands. They've become all clogged up.

Don't we feel sorry for him?

Poor poor Pawpaw's paw pores

Tony's playground love

Tony, the presenter of that art show with Morph, has come back from the grave. wooooooo.

He has been brought back by the power of his love for a deer with a tattoo of the cardiac muscle on it's back.

To celebrate this event a chant was created, that can be heard in children's playgrounds to this day...

Hart hearts heart-hart.