I Was Blind And Then A WIzard Came

I have been blind for many years now.

I am an old man now but when I was but 15 years of age a friend of mine accidently shot me in the face with a paintball gun. Since that moment I have not been able to gaze at the sky, appreciate the colours of nature... and I have never known the faces of my loved ones.

Recently, on my travels, I met a wizard. He told me he could restore my vision, but we would have to go to a bizzarre place.

I agreed and I heard what sounded like a whoosh of a cape. He told me we had arrived.

He spoke to me

"When I touch your forehead you will look upon a frozen ocean made of ocular organs, each organ having the 9th and 3rd letter of the alphabet written upon it.

He pressed my forehead and I cried out,

"I see icy I C eye sea"

My Beautiful Beach

It's gotten really hot recently. I know I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but listen.

I own a little beach which is famed for having a lot of cresting water formations in the sea next to it. Now, as it's gotten so hot recently, I've started charging a lot for the privilege of cooling off at my lovely lil’ beach...

So anyways, I'm going away for a while and I need you to collect money from all the people, things, abstract concepts and ideas swimming around in the water.

All of them APART the 2008 German film directed by Dennis Ganselr which is splashing about in the sea during this spell of very warm weather. When it gets out don't make it pay, it's a good pal of mine. You'll recognise it because it'll be moving its hand from side to side to side to side.

You understand me?

I'll tell you again:

Waive wave-wave-wave Wave

My Wanderings With A River

With thanks to Stephen Clatworthy...


Now hear ye all.

I was walking one day with my grand companion - you may know him as the river that runs through Leicester - when we chanced upon a boat propulsion device made from frozen water. It was thing that was once impressive to behold and thing of garish ugliness.

The river turned to me and asked me if I had seen the frozen thing with my ocular area and was I suitably impressed?

With great vigor I replied:

Aye Soar, Eyes Awe! I saw eye sore ice oar.

Regarding A Ref's Red Card

Graham, the Premiership referee has just finished referee-ing USA vs Italy. His face is red as he’s just given 3 yellow cards… to the same player!

He’s distraught.

You want to make him feel better. You need some advice… but who can help?

You know!

Graham has two sticks of Polish extraction that know him better than anyone else. One lives at the very northern tip of the earth, one lives at the very southern.

You prepare for your journey. You’re getting ready to

Poll Pole’s Pole-Pole Poles

Charlie Brown's Post Peanuts Depression‏

Snoopy has become a jealous, jealous dog since Peanuts has ended. Who can blame him? It’s been hard on us all.

Charlie Brown comes up to you

*sigh*

He grimaces and explains his predicament.

He's become friends with some chickens recently. He refers to them as his friends using a northern vernacular term. You’ve picked up some funny habits, Charlie Brown!

Anyway, because of Snoopy’s jealousy he needs you to get rid of him for him.

Chuck Chuck’s chook chucks

John Candy's 2 Peculiarities

The year is 1989 and you are a researcher on the David Letterman show. John Candy is the world’s biggest movie star after his mega success playing the titular role in a John Hughes comedy as Macaulay Culkin’s uncle. The film’s a hoot!

Now, John Candy has become a little peculiar for two reasons:

Firstly; Mr Candy is a method actor and he hasn’t got out of character yet. He will only be referred to by his character's name. He’s serious about his craft!

Secondly: As a budding inventor Mr Candy has written a novel about male deer with a twist; The twist is that the novel literally talks like a chicken. AND he’s selling it for just one dollar.

Now David wants you to get this tome on the show.

Well you think he does.

He’s just barked at you

“Book Buck’s buck-buck buck buck book”

Tang Train Tussles

You are sitting next to a man on the train. He’s got one of those head set talky thingys on. It’s on the other side of his head to you so you initially think he’s talking to you. You almost respond but stop yourself when you realise. Phew!

You listen in…

“Yeah I’ve just been hanging out with the Wu Tang Clan in Shaolin… uh huh yeah it’s not the same since ODB passed on…

“So any way I’m talking to the Inspectah and he’s got a problem. He’s got this djing equipment that he uses on the top floor of ships. It’s been acting up and he wanted me to beat it up for him…

Uh huh yeah yeah that’s right I was asked to

Deck Deck’s Deck Decks”