You are sitting next to a man on the train. He’s got one of those head set talky thingys on. It’s on the other side of his head to you so you initially think he’s talking to you. You almost respond but stop yourself when you realise. Phew!
You listen in…
“Yeah I’ve just been hanging out with the Wu Tang Clan in Shaolin… uh huh yeah it’s not the same since ODB passed on…
“So any way I’m talking to the Inspectah and he’s got a problem. He’s got this djing equipment that he uses on the top floor of ships. It’s been acting up and he wanted me to beat it up for him…
Uh huh yeah yeah that’s right I was asked to
Deck Deck’s Deck Decks”
Monday, 12 April 2010
Sunday, 11 April 2010
The Professor's Good Fortune and Eccentric Plan Combo
You’ve been hired by the Professor from Cluedo. He’s recently had some good fortune which has turned him a dark purple colour. Does he ever look stylish! He’s bought a new wardrobe to go with his new colour…
But I digress and time, as you well know, is money.
The prof. wants to celebrate and, inspired by Roald Dahl’s James and The Giant Peach, he wants to live in a giant fruit in the genus Prunus, subgenus Prunus. Before he moves in though he wants some pipes fitting for it, you know for water and heating and that. This is where you come in…
Plumb plum-plum Plum’s plum
But I digress and time, as you well know, is money.
The prof. wants to celebrate and, inspired by Roald Dahl’s James and The Giant Peach, he wants to live in a giant fruit in the genus Prunus, subgenus Prunus. Before he moves in though he wants some pipes fitting for it, you know for water and heating and that. This is where you come in…
Plumb plum-plum Plum’s plum
Friday, 9 April 2010
A Tricky Question
Courtesy of Asa Roast....
You have been asked to appear on The Weakest Link, the popular BBC quiz show hosted by the icy Anne Robinson.
You make it through the first few rounds without being judged the ‘weakest link’, but things are getting tougher. In the third round, a string of correct answers looks promising, but all it will take is one slip up and all the money accumulated could be lost!
Anne turns her steely gaze to you. Your palms are sweaty.
“In the sit-com ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel Air’,” she sneers, “the financial institutions owned by Uncle Phil’s family were contracted to collect and store a set of man-made geographical features – but exactly what kind of geographical features were they?”
You breathe a sigh of relief. You watched that episode just last night! And you can clearly remember that Uncle Phil was required to store a set of long artificial mounds of earth used to hold back water and support roads.
With confidence you answer:
“Banks’s Banks bank banks – bank!”
You have been asked to appear on The Weakest Link, the popular BBC quiz show hosted by the icy Anne Robinson.
You make it through the first few rounds without being judged the ‘weakest link’, but things are getting tougher. In the third round, a string of correct answers looks promising, but all it will take is one slip up and all the money accumulated could be lost!
Anne turns her steely gaze to you. Your palms are sweaty.
“In the sit-com ‘The Fresh Prince of Bel Air’,” she sneers, “the financial institutions owned by Uncle Phil’s family were contracted to collect and store a set of man-made geographical features – but exactly what kind of geographical features were they?”
You breathe a sigh of relief. You watched that episode just last night! And you can clearly remember that Uncle Phil was required to store a set of long artificial mounds of earth used to hold back water and support roads.
With confidence you answer:
“Banks’s Banks bank banks – bank!”
Thursday, 8 April 2010
Excruciatingly Evil Ezra
You fight for truth!
You fight for justice!
You have an enemy!
His name is Ezra. Occupation: Poet; Nationality: American; Political Views: Moustachioed fascist.
Ezra has recently been turning his attention to the matter of coins that have been wandering the streets without collars on. Cruel, cold Ezra has been imprisoning these helpless coins in a specially made coin prison.
You must smash that this coin gaol!
You know WHAT YOU MUST DO!!!
Pound Pound’s Pound Pound.
You fight for justice!
You have an enemy!
His name is Ezra. Occupation: Poet; Nationality: American; Political Views: Moustachioed fascist.
Ezra has recently been turning his attention to the matter of coins that have been wandering the streets without collars on. Cruel, cold Ezra has been imprisoning these helpless coins in a specially made coin prison.
You must smash that this coin gaol!
You know WHAT YOU MUST DO!!!
Pound Pound’s Pound Pound.
Friday, 2 April 2010
Our Common Enemy
Listen! I don't have too much time to explain. We're on the run from our common enemy a common avian who carries around a common bendy necked toilet cleaning device.
At the moment our common enemy is attached to a common air vent pipe by some common adhesive tape but he will escape...
He's going to throw something at us. To let you know that he's throwing it I will use a common northern term of endearment to let you know IT'S NOT A TEST...
Here he comes...
Duck Duck! Duct-Duck-Duct Duck!
At the moment our common enemy is attached to a common air vent pipe by some common adhesive tape but he will escape...
He's going to throw something at us. To let you know that he's throwing it I will use a common northern term of endearment to let you know IT'S NOT A TEST...
Here he comes...
Duck Duck! Duct-Duck-Duct Duck!
Tuesday, 30 March 2010
Picard's Personnel Problem
Captain Picard has a problem.
Beverley Crusher has decided to hit the singles scene and has set up a series of dinners with women she fancies. There’s a problem though… They’re all in a jumble. Beverley has no idea when any of these meals are! The Captain decides to help, so he delegates a task to his android commander.
His voice booming with Shakesperian gravitas, he says
“Data, date her “date her” data”
Beverley Crusher has decided to hit the singles scene and has set up a series of dinners with women she fancies. There’s a problem though… They’re all in a jumble. Beverley has no idea when any of these meals are! The Captain decides to help, so he delegates a task to his android commander.
His voice booming with Shakesperian gravitas, he says
“Data, date her “date her” data”
Tuesday, 9 February 2010
The Illest Rapper
I was given an order the other day as part of my work as a hitman for hire.
It was but 5 words long.
I interpreted it thusly.
We need you to attack something belonging to a rapper with awesome flow. You'll know the MC through his nom de hiphop, - (it means regurgitation) - which he chose cos his flow's so ill. Now we don't want you kill this thing he owns, just attack in the manner of a dog.
The thing we want you to attack is a collection of his vomits, numbering just more than five.
I'll quote you the message as I was given it - any mistakes are not mine.
Sick Sick Sick's six sicks [sic]
It was but 5 words long.
I interpreted it thusly.
We need you to attack something belonging to a rapper with awesome flow. You'll know the MC through his nom de hiphop, - (it means regurgitation) - which he chose cos his flow's so ill. Now we don't want you kill this thing he owns, just attack in the manner of a dog.
The thing we want you to attack is a collection of his vomits, numbering just more than five.
I'll quote you the message as I was given it - any mistakes are not mine.
Sick Sick Sick's six sicks [sic]
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