Sexy 007

Your squadron commander hails you

"Perry, I want you to have sexual intercourse with a former James Bond... Moore's his name. You'll recognise him because he's draped in a pirate flag. God speed."

You take a deep breath and respond

"Roger. Roger roger Roger"

Our Dogs' Special Pee

Back when I was a boy we owned a farm that grew all kinds of things that we used to harvest and sell.

Unfortunately we had a couple of dogs that had very special urine; it contained cannabis seeds.

We didn't want the cannabis plants taking all the nutrients and sunlight from our crops so every summer...

we'd weed weed weed

Mr Campbell's fishy football boot

Former Spurs, Arsenal, Portsmouth and England defender Mr. Campbell owns only one shoe. This shoe is very unusual though...

Inside the shoe, for cushioning is a flatfish's eternal spirit which shines like the sun.

In fact inside the shoe is

Sol's sole sol-sole-soul sole

Baloo's Painful Hands

You've recently become friends with Baloo the bear from the jungle book. Sweet!

Recently he's changed his name to one of his favourite fruits (the one that isn't the prickly pear), as is his want.

He tells you that as he's a bear he doesn't have any money, so he can't afford anything to clean the tiny holes in his hands. They've become all clogged up.

Don't we feel sorry for him?

Poor poor Pawpaw's paw pores

Tony's playground love

Tony, the presenter of that art show with Morph, has come back from the grave. wooooooo.

He has been brought back by the power of his love for a deer with a tattoo of the cardiac muscle on it's back.

To celebrate this event a chant was created, that can be heard in children's playgrounds to this day...

Hart hearts heart-hart.

Paul's Peculiar Passions

Your pal Paul Pick is proud of coming from an ancient northern Scottish race of people.

He has 3 hobbies; namely he's an ice miner, a guitarist and an art connoisseur.

He therefore wants you to combine his 3 interests and choose him a photo of an icepick shaped like a plectrum.

Pick Pict Pick's Pick-Pick Pic

Mr Light's dark shopping centre

Your friend James Light is a firm believer in Kate Moss's statement "nothing feels as good as skinny feels".

He has recently acquired a shopping centre in the middle of Leeds and has come up with an unusual method of illuminating it. He has placed old fashioned lamps around the place full of copies of a free new London newspaper for fuel and kindling. Strangely enough, every article in this edition of the paper is about reduced calorie foods.

He has asked you to set these lamps on fire for him.

Go ahead!

Light light Light's Light lite-Lite lights.

Dada Computer Coats

The German surrealist Mr Ernst owns several Apple computers that he uses to design anoraks. He has decorated these with packets of ridged walker's crisps.

He has asked you to make the computers as powerful as possible.

Max Max's macs max-Macs

the dubious puzzle

you are completing a puzzle. There are several objects on a page and you have to circle the one you think is right. You think that the right picture is one of a boxing venue covered in wedding bands.

Your friend calls you to tell you she thinks you're right.

In fact this is what you hear.

"ring ring, ring ring... ring ring ring"

The Prince's Problem

Mr Wills can make things appear by thinking them into existence.

His good friend, the prince is third in line for the British thrown and is in desperate need of a document to bequeath his possessions to people when he dies.

The Prince asks his friend for a favour.

The question is:

Will Wills will Will's will?

1966 and all that

It turns out Bobby, England's world cup winning Captain owned a fleet of very unusual vessels. They were floating patches of peaty grass. An unusual fleet indeed.

He's being employing men from North Africa to help dock them. Recently though, there's been an increase in employees

In fact since Bobby's death...

More Moors Moor Moore's Moors

Mr Saw's House in The Clouds

Mr Saw lives way up in the clouds. Recently he went for a dip in a river in Leicestershire and his body is now aching like crazy! When he got back home he noticed that he'd also developed herpes on his lip. He wants your friend to get rid of by cutting off his lip with a jagged instrument. Strange man.

Your friend is flying up to do this for Mr Saw but needs urgently telling that a)he's way to low and b)what he needs to do when he's up there.

Soar! Saw Sore Saw's Sore-Sore!

The BIG one

As you know the Chelsea goalkeeper was born near Prague.He and the band !!! play full contact chess sometimes. Last week he got them into a position where he could take their king and slammed his body against them.

!!! were badly hurt. The goalie felt bad.

He issued them some money in an IOU as an apology for being too rough. It has black and white squares on it.

You are asked to look this over for him

Check Czech Cech's Check Chk Chk Chk check-check cheque

Krautrock Dance

a krautrock band from Cologne has been running a tv show for many years. It features people performing a high kicking french dance on top of some giant tins. Although they love the show it hasn't been doing well for a while and they wonder if they have it in them to cancel the show.

can Can can can can-can?

Fawlty Towers

Andrew, who played Manuel in Fawlty Towers, owns a company that put Saxophones into hessian bags. They are rubbish.
You no longer want to do business with them

Sack Sach's Sax Sacks

Harrods

The owner of Harrods was hit by cosmic rays and can now burst into flames by saying "flame on". Mohamed has been hired by your company to be a human cannonball. You were very displeased by his launch through the air.

Get rid of him

Fire Fired Fire-Fayed