In Which We View A Petty Domestic Squabble

"I need to get some lists of puns!" Brian exclaimed to his partner. No one called him Brian though, they all referred to him by his initial, he was hip.

His partner, Heperina, carried on reading her book, not even looking up.

"I've already looked near those records stuck on that waspy thing..."

She continued to pay him no attention.

"I'm being serious! Where can I find some?" I cried.

She looked up from her book,

"There's some next to the honey-producing insect that we superglued to the flips of those Wednesday Club vinyl singles you bought…"

He couldn't believe she hadn't been listening...

B sighed, "Besides Beside Bee-Side B-Sides!"

In This One I Am Secretly Howard Webb

"I've bred some chickens - really smelly, disgusting things," he said to me, "and I think they'll solve your problem…"

"What all those egregious, horrible illegal tackles Premiership Footballers are making?" I asked, as they were tarnishing the good name of the game.

"The very same. Now I've trained my birds to excrete on any of these terrible challenges. That should put an end to it!" He exclaimed triumphantly.

I was delighted.

"You mean your

Foul Fowl Foul Foul Fouls?!"

Annoyed by Ubiquitous Greek Gods? Get Your Own Back….

The Greek goat god of shepherds, hunting and rural music is straddling the whole world nowadays.

He's recently brought out a bunch of pots for frying flutes made of pipes of increasing length.

You're fed up of this titan's ubiquity and want to get your own back by writing a scathing review of his pots.

Go on....

Pan Pan-Pan's Pan Pans

Geriatric Chat Time

"Oh, you would have loved her, dear."

said one old lady to the next.

"I would have?"

the other old lady said to the first.

"Oh yes, she loved flowers, just like you. In fact this garden - well she was responsible for it"

said the first to the second.

"Really? She planted all the lines of those beautiful flowers, the ancient symbols of love and beauty?"

replied the second to the first.

"Well, not quite, but she did make them higher,"

explained the original old lady.

"I don't understand, dear"

the second old lady responded.

The first old lady smiled and said

"Rose Rose Rose Rows"

Arrrrrr This Pirate Talk Be Tedious

Listen up, you scurvy dogs! I spy a vessel to plunder!

This vessel not be fancy, in fact it just be a plank o' wood - a plank of wood full o' manmade holes.

But, me laddy, the plank is housing the controllers o' a company, the ones who make the decisions, full of gold they be!

an' they're ripe for the plucking, they've been out at sea so long they look like they're goin' crazy from the tedium.

Are ye ready!?

Board Bored Bored- Board Board!

George Frideric is a Weatherman

You work for a company that specialises in making nicknames for people to use in internet forums, MMORPGs and HAM radio conversations - that kind of thing.

Your boss makes you do everything!

He's supposed to be working on a nickname for George Frideric, the German-British Baroque composer of the Hip-Hop classic "Messiah". The nickname's for use on web forums about devices used for opening doors.

He looks over to you.

You just know he's going to ask you to take on this work.

He does.

*Sigh*

In his usual off hand manner he says,


Handle Handel's handle handle.

Frank's Wild Years

Frank from East Enders is your lackey. He's stopped selling used cars, running pubs with Peggy or shouting that eminently quotable phrase "Ricky" and now he does various nefarious jobs for you.

You want him to deal with one of the two meat sellers in town. One's OK but the other one - the one who's more muscly, manly and has a better moustache - is a problem.

You want Frank to get rid of this Meaty Man in the grizzliest, bloodiest way possible.

You call over to him.

Butcher! Butcher Butcher Butcher!