Frank's Wild Years

Frank from East Enders is your lackey. He's stopped selling used cars, running pubs with Peggy or shouting that eminently quotable phrase "Ricky" and now he does various nefarious jobs for you.

You want him to deal with one of the two meat sellers in town. One's OK but the other one - the one who's more muscly, manly and has a better moustache - is a problem.

You want Frank to get rid of this Meaty Man in the grizzliest, bloodiest way possible.

You call over to him.

Butcher! Butcher Butcher Butcher!

No Longer Average

You know the average?

Well he's fed up of being the sum of the results divided by the number in the sample - he's now badass! He won't take no guff!

He changed! From now on he's decided he's going to be the way we obtain a result or achieve an end!

Let me put it simply

Mean Mean Means Means

Phil Collins is Merely Implied

Two Scousers are talking..

"Tinky Winky, Po and Dipsy's mate owns a Scandinavian bloke, doesn't 'e?"

"Does 'e?"

"yeh, e's always singin the solfège note for A"

"oh I know the fella e's

La La's La Lars, La"

I've Never Cared For Him

Every one's favourite (sic) fool pitying, non jibber jabbering, snicker shilling former acting man has some very special golf equipment.

The tacks he puts on the ground when he hits his first shot are special because they're not made of plastic but instead made from the leaves of a popular hot beverage.

Now these tacks are also special because they're sentient and very fussy. They'll only let themselves be used at dinner time.

B.A Baracus's first inhabiter thinks these pegs need taking down a peg or two. He wants you to make fun of them.

Go on

Tease T's Tea Tea-Tees.

Shining Like a National Guitar

A poster has a picture of Mr King, the esteemed octogenarian blues guitarist, pointing in the style of America's Uncle Sam.

It tells us that he requires a substitute yellow and black insect to carry the pellets for his air gun.

He wants YOU!


Be BB's B bb Bee

Two Friends One Client

I have two friends.
They dig things out of the ground for me.
One of them's big and one of them's small.
Today I will use the small one.
I have a client.
She has a bird that's a mimic.
The bird only mimics sad, sad songs.

Today I ask my small friend to dig the bird out from deep under the ground where it's been smooshed.

I say to him

"Minor Miner Mine 'Er Minor Myna"

Japanese To English (And English To Japanese)

Courtesy of E. Max Broady

I am holding a scrabble evening with my friend Yoko, avant-garde Japanese artist and former wife of John Lennon. Unfortunately, I have an incomplete scrabble set and have asked Yoko if she could bring along each of one of the vowels to make up a complete set of tiles. But alas, on her arrival it transpires that Yoko has only brought an A, E, I and U - she doesn't have any tiles of the final vowel! Realising my Scrabble plans are scuppered I exclaim:

Oh no! Ono own no own 'O'