Mr Clegg Should Have Been More Careful

by E.Max Broady

Mr Clegg, deputy PM, has a series of shallow notches made by his favourite basketball team from New York... But he is shocked one day to realise they've been stolen by Stevie, the demure Fleetwood Mac singer! The headline the next day?

 Nicks nicks Nick's Knicks nicks

Your Rival Works Behind You...

You work in a shop. You have your own till and you spend your time adding up the sums of things that come through. You see how many beans there are, you see how many TVs are passed over the table top you do you work on, you see how many things there are generally.
BUT there's been another till-and-table-top installed exactly behind you, with some one else doing exactly your job - that of adding up the number of things!
You must oppose them in every way you can.. Go On

Counter Counter-Counter Counter

Your Sibling, The Radiohead Fan

Your younger sibling is a big Radiohead fan. They have just spotted a table full of the lead single from 2003's Hail To Thief album. They don't have it so they are every excited...
BUT before they can get to them some people swoop in and take the singles!
Your sibling is very upset. They can't understand why these people would take the records they wanted!
You comfort them

"There There, They're Their "There Theres""

A Most Unusual Awards Show

Backstage at the award show and you're being shown around...


"There's going to be Lights! Dancing! Entertainment!
The show will be starting with with something dancing letters, those wonderful little quasi-numbers between p and r. Darling things will all be dressed like the omnipotent trickster from Star Trek, all lined up like they're waiting for something - by the looks of the little sticks they're all holding it's probably a star studded snooker match!
And it doesn't stop there, the wonderful little gadgets were designed by James Bond's own gadget man!

Oooop time's getting away from me, it's time to start!

Cue Q's Q-Cue-Q Queue!

Playback Discussion And The (Kind Of) Singing Banana

We were listening back to a track that the Wednesday Club had just recorded, my friend and I.

"It's good," my friend said, "even for you."

"Yes," I responded. "We managed to get a banana to play with us on it. Or should I say we managed to get the sodium contained with in the banana to play on the track."

"Don't bananas usually contain potassium?" my friend asked.

"This one contained sodium", I curtly replied.

There was an awkward silence.

After a while my friend piped up; "I like those nonsense backing vocals, did you sing them, are they yours?"

I grunted back,

"Na 'Nana's Na's "Na Na Nas""

Bear's Mysterious Return

Bear - TV Adventurer Extraordinaire - Wild Man of the Woods - Exciting Posh Chap - has decided to come back for another installment of One Word Sentence. We need you to find out why.

He's been burnt pretty badly (some would say succulently) so we can't ask him directly.

Instead, I want you to ask the jewelery he wears over his teeth. You'll recognise it because it's shaped like horizontal slats.

Are you ready?

Grill Grill-Grylls Grill Grill

Announcement - Loads More OWS To Come

So here it is, the new One Word Sentence!
It's been a while since I've been doing this regularly but that should change over the summer. In fact I was saying this to a fellow in a sun bed opposite to me the other day…
Actually he was an interesting bloke; every orange curve of him had these lines coming off it. I asked him about the lines and he said he was really into graphs and maths. Really strange, covered in these straight lines he was…
Anyway, as I was saying we've got a lot more one word sentences coming, sorry about the

Tan Gent Tangent Tangent

In Which We View A Petty Domestic Squabble

"I need to get some lists of puns!" Brian exclaimed to his partner. No one called him Brian though, they all referred to him by his initial, he was hip.

His partner, Heperina, carried on reading her book, not even looking up.

"I've already looked near those records stuck on that waspy thing..."

She continued to pay him no attention.

"I'm being serious! Where can I find some?" I cried.

She looked up from her book,

"There's some next to the honey-producing insect that we superglued to the flips of those Wednesday Club vinyl singles you bought…"

He couldn't believe she hadn't been listening...

B sighed, "Besides Beside Bee-Side B-Sides!"

In This One I Am Secretly Howard Webb

"I've bred some chickens - really smelly, disgusting things," he said to me, "and I think they'll solve your problem…"

"What all those egregious, horrible illegal tackles Premiership Footballers are making?" I asked, as they were tarnishing the good name of the game.

"The very same. Now I've trained my birds to excrete on any of these terrible challenges. That should put an end to it!" He exclaimed triumphantly.

I was delighted.

"You mean your

Foul Fowl Foul Foul Fouls?!"

Annoyed by Ubiquitous Greek Gods? Get Your Own Back….

The Greek goat god of shepherds, hunting and rural music is straddling the whole world nowadays.

He's recently brought out a bunch of pots for frying flutes made of pipes of increasing length.

You're fed up of this titan's ubiquity and want to get your own back by writing a scathing review of his pots.

Go on....

Pan Pan-Pan's Pan Pans

Geriatric Chat Time

"Oh, you would have loved her, dear."

said one old lady to the next.

"I would have?"

the other old lady said to the first.

"Oh yes, she loved flowers, just like you. In fact this garden - well she was responsible for it"

said the first to the second.

"Really? She planted all the lines of those beautiful flowers, the ancient symbols of love and beauty?"

replied the second to the first.

"Well, not quite, but she did make them higher,"

explained the original old lady.

"I don't understand, dear"

the second old lady responded.

The first old lady smiled and said

"Rose Rose Rose Rows"

Arrrrrr This Pirate Talk Be Tedious

Listen up, you scurvy dogs! I spy a vessel to plunder!

This vessel not be fancy, in fact it just be a plank o' wood - a plank of wood full o' manmade holes.

But, me laddy, the plank is housing the controllers o' a company, the ones who make the decisions, full of gold they be!

an' they're ripe for the plucking, they've been out at sea so long they look like they're goin' crazy from the tedium.

Are ye ready!?

Board Bored Bored- Board Board!

George Frideric is a Weatherman

You work for a company that specialises in making nicknames for people to use in internet forums, MMORPGs and HAM radio conversations - that kind of thing.

Your boss makes you do everything!

He's supposed to be working on a nickname for George Frideric, the German-British Baroque composer of the Hip-Hop classic "Messiah". The nickname's for use on web forums about devices used for opening doors.

He looks over to you.

You just know he's going to ask you to take on this work.

He does.

*Sigh*

In his usual off hand manner he says,


Handle Handel's handle handle.

Frank's Wild Years

Frank from East Enders is your lackey. He's stopped selling used cars, running pubs with Peggy or shouting that eminently quotable phrase "Ricky" and now he does various nefarious jobs for you.

You want him to deal with one of the two meat sellers in town. One's OK but the other one - the one who's more muscly, manly and has a better moustache - is a problem.

You want Frank to get rid of this Meaty Man in the grizzliest, bloodiest way possible.

You call over to him.

Butcher! Butcher Butcher Butcher!

No Longer Average

You know the average?

Well he's fed up of being the sum of the results divided by the number in the sample - he's now badass! He won't take no guff!

He changed! From now on he's decided he's going to be the way we obtain a result or achieve an end!

Let me put it simply

Mean Mean Means Means

Phil Collins is Merely Implied

Two Scousers are talking..

"Tinky Winky, Po and Dipsy's mate owns a Scandinavian bloke, doesn't 'e?"

"Does 'e?"

"yeh, e's always singin the solfège note for A"

"oh I know the fella e's

La La's La Lars, La"

I've Never Cared For Him

Every one's favourite (sic) fool pitying, non jibber jabbering, snicker shilling former acting man has some very special golf equipment.

The tacks he puts on the ground when he hits his first shot are special because they're not made of plastic but instead made from the leaves of a popular hot beverage.

Now these tacks are also special because they're sentient and very fussy. They'll only let themselves be used at dinner time.

B.A Baracus's first inhabiter thinks these pegs need taking down a peg or two. He wants you to make fun of them.

Go on

Tease T's Tea Tea-Tees.

Shining Like a National Guitar

A poster has a picture of Mr King, the esteemed octogenarian blues guitarist, pointing in the style of America's Uncle Sam.

It tells us that he requires a substitute yellow and black insect to carry the pellets for his air gun.

He wants YOU!


Be BB's B bb Bee

Two Friends One Client

I have two friends.
They dig things out of the ground for me.
One of them's big and one of them's small.
Today I will use the small one.
I have a client.
She has a bird that's a mimic.
The bird only mimics sad, sad songs.

Today I ask my small friend to dig the bird out from deep under the ground where it's been smooshed.

I say to him

"Minor Miner Mine 'Er Minor Myna"

Japanese To English (And English To Japanese)

Courtesy of E. Max Broady

I am holding a scrabble evening with my friend Yoko, avant-garde Japanese artist and former wife of John Lennon. Unfortunately, I have an incomplete scrabble set and have asked Yoko if she could bring along each of one of the vowels to make up a complete set of tiles. But alas, on her arrival it transpires that Yoko has only brought an A, E, I and U - she doesn't have any tiles of the final vowel! Realising my Scrabble plans are scuppered I exclaim:

Oh no! Ono own no own 'O'