Japanese To English (And English To Japanese)

Courtesy of E. Max Broady

I am holding a scrabble evening with my friend Yoko, avant-garde Japanese artist and former wife of John Lennon. Unfortunately, I have an incomplete scrabble set and have asked Yoko if she could bring along each of one of the vowels to make up a complete set of tiles. But alas, on her arrival it transpires that Yoko has only brought an A, E, I and U - she doesn't have any tiles of the final vowel! Realising my Scrabble plans are scuppered I exclaim:

Oh no! Ono own no own 'O'

He's A Surprisingly Good Actor

Dwayne Johnson has a nickname based on his love for music made by bands that principally consist of an electric guitarist, lead singer, bass guitarist and a drummer, such as The Who and Led Zeppelin.

When Dwayne's not busy starring in films such as "The Tooth Fairy" and "Doom" and "WWE Smackdown" he enjoys shaking stones made from a popular sugary seaside confectionary .

Or to put it another way,

"Rock" Rock Rocks Rock Rocks

Does Mr Grills Defecate In The Woods?

with thanks to Mr E. Max Broady

Mr Grills, lovely chap, adventurer and T.V presenter extraordinaire is completely naked in the woods.

When asked if he minds the big hairy ursine creatures being around, he responds

"They're annoying but I put up with them"

Yes siree Bob,

Bare Bear Bears Bears

OWS Number 52 - This Time It's Political

Ed, the Shadow Education Secretary, Labour Party Leader Nominee and "Buddy of Gordon Brown" has been crying a lot recently.

It hasn't been about The Coalition or the slender majority he has in his constituency but about the patent cobblers people have been talking about him.

He refers to it variously as "bunkum, hogwash, balderdash and piffle" but most regularly as a slang term for testicles. Ed, you lower the tone.

These tears are particularly painful as they come out of his eyes in the form of bouncing spherical objects. Ouch!

Yes indeedy,

Balls Bawls "Balls" Balls

Agent Cooper's Continuing Cases

Agent Dale Cooper is investigating a crime scene. It is at the very centre of the US Marines' base and there appears to be a big hole in it.

Putting down his damn fine coffee he speaks into his dictaphone.

"Diane," he says in his customary manner, "looking around this crime scene I know that the people who were here wanted to do something. But what?"

Agent cooper walks around the site.

"what I am looking for is some kind of obtuse clue or dream sequence to help me find out just what they were doing here..."

Agent Cooper proceeds to pull the cover off of what turns out to be a birdcage.

"A Parrot," Cooper muses. "Since I was a small boy I've always loved parrots.Maybe this is what I've been looking for"

The parrot opens its beak and Agent Cooper cocks an ear....


Caw! Core Corps' Core

Desmond's Ballet Passion

You are in a museum dedicated to the noted human rights campaigner and second South African to win the Nobel Peace Prize, Archbishop Desmond.

On your left are Desmond's famous purple vestments.

On your right are few of Desmond's less famous items of clothing. These are a couple of skirts worn for his ballet performances made entirely from Second Class degree certificates.

You ask your companion which ones you should see.

She replies,

"To Tutu's Two 2:2 Tutus!"

Cambodian Star Wars

The year is 1977 and you are a member of a rebel alliance against the Khmer Rouge.

For reasons to tedious to explain you are at Pol's personal pool table and have an opportunity to destroy his evil empire.

In a scene vaguely reminiscent of one in Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope (the one where Luke Skywalker shoots the bomb down an exhaust pipe in the big round space ship and blows it up) you have to push a cannabis plant in a ceramic jar in to a pool table pocket. This will destroy Pol's palace and empire for some reason.

Go ahead and do it!

Pot Pot's Pot Pot

The One Where I Gloat At Orson And Mock Herbert George

Orson, a man known as "the ultimate auteur" and the writer/director/star of Citizen Cane is going treasure hunting with his best friend, me. I have a little nickname for him based on the fact he's never ill. We're cute like that.

Orson does not believe we're going to find the drilled water sources that belong to H.G., the man known as "the father of science fiction" and a former friend of mine. I like to make fun of H.G. by calling him a name based on the fact his eyes water all the time, like a big cry baby. I'm mean like that.

During our search we find these water sources. I can not help but gloat. I turn to Orson and say...


'Well Well Well "Well" Welles, "Wells" Wells' Wells'

It Might Sound Corny

Ms. West, an actress known for her bawdy double entendres and for having a life preserver cheekily nicknamed after her, owns a labyrinth made of corn. It is open exclusively from the end of April to the start of June.

She was looking at the list of UNESCO world heritage sites and was wondering if she could have it listed. Would you be able to help? As you decide the what counts as a world heritage site. Can she have it listed? Please? Pleeeeease?

May Mae's May Maize Maze?

The Sun Shines/Down And Yet I'm None/The Wiser

With mad props to Tom Pickard....



Whilst leafing through the Sun the other day this little story caught my eye...

Mad sea-defying king headbutts fired former government drugs advisor in the testicles over game of poker in which the latter acquired a nickname for holding the strongest possible hand, yesterday.

Well this certainly piqued my interest!

But who were these people? I glanced up at the headline and all was revealed to me:

Nuts Knut Nuts Nuts Nutt's Nuts.

Your Mother's Breakfast

Your mother is sitting down at the kitchen table. She's just about to spread yeast extract on to her toast when she notices a little bug.

*sigh*

she sighs.

She's seen this bug before and it seems that it just wants to ruin everything, getting on the food and crawling around as it does.

She considers pouring the yeast extract over the bug.

Ma Might Marmite Mar Mite